The heavens opened, the seas parted and Oprah said...

Figure 1. If you look under your seats, you will all find that GOD Oprah has given you all a Unicorn and a piece of Antarctica

Last night, while sitting around the lounge, ummm-ing and arrrr-ing about whether or not SMS or call the current shake-n-bake and what it means if he said he’d call but hasn’t and hasn’t replied to my most recent SMS, my digsmate (yes, the gignah-lovah) said:

“Oprah once told me, ‘If a man is keen on you, there is nothing you can do to keep him away. And if a man is not keen on you, there is nothing you can do to keep him to stay’.”

· Firstly, Oprah is a poet and doesn’t know it!

· Secondly, if Oprah says it, it is LAW.

· Thridly, does that make Dr. Phil Jesus???

· Fourthly, I have a fondness of signs and this combined with the fact that at that exact moment, on TV, the preview for the movie: He’s just not that into you was showing... well, slap me around and call me Germimah if that ain’t a sign!

So, after much mulling over why I have not yet received any response and I know he is awake (Creepbook has its uses…)

Hold that thought…

OMG! Like right now, this second, he has just replied to said SMS… hmmm, so much for signs. Although, perhaps Oprah was still right Of course Oprah is still right. I think I am just on a steep learning curve on moving slowly. Unfortunately in the goldfish tank, it is customary to go from strangers, through marriage, through adoption and onto divorce from husbank number 2 within the entire lifespan of a tadpole. And because I actually like this one, I am keeping it around. Yayness! Hopefully I get to see him.

Oooo, this weekend threatens to be debaucherous. I intend to entertain sobriety tonight and go big tomorrow. But I have that tingling feeling in my fins that this is gonna get messy… Every time, and I mean every.single.time. I try for a sober evening I end up molestedly drunk in a seedy club at 6am on the following morning. Oh how I love my life… hehe. Bring it on biatches!

BAM!!!

PS: It’s my friend’s birthday this Saturday… Goldfish Rule 36, under Section 2 of the Friendship Act 1, Chapter 9 states that: “It is the sole duty of the friend of the goldfish whose birthday it is to score said fishy if no other goldfish will score him on his birthday night.” Uh-oh… it’s gonna get naughty out there!!! :)

Told you so!

Figure 1. Free State Farmers - They don't fuck around!

Well, I survived my nature excursion. And oh dear how unpleasant it truly was! Nature ALL. OVER. ME.!

Oooo, got a date tonight with the current Spamoni... Swim fishy swim! :)

BAM!!

Old MacDonald HAS a shotgun!

Figure 1. Escape is futile!

The khaki-brigade have summoned my services away from my social networking accounts and my innumerable chat applications to actually do some “real work” this Friday. This “real work” involves driving to the middle of the Free State and setting up notices for potential mine sites. Not very greenpeace at all!

Figure 2. New-age farmer weaponry

Not the worst thing in the world I hear you say… No, probably not if I wasn’t setting up notices at their entrance gates informing them that they are about to have a uranium mine across the middle of their prized organic pumpkin patch or straight through their prized layers chicken coop. To further complicate the issue, I speak zero to not-a-word of Afrikaans (apart from some un-mentionally homosexual sayings that go hand-in-hand with some pelvic thrusting motioning; that I doubt would go down too well whilst trying to diffuse a raging vrystaat farmer). And the cherry on top is that such activities occur in and amongst the dreaded nature! *Gasp*. Now I’m not sure what exactly I am more afraid of: Gun-yielding, foreign-language-shouting, khaki-wearing, bakkie-driving farmers or the outrageously-hot-sun, potential skin cancer risk, sweating, melting of hair products, allergies to everything that isn’t made of concrete or metal, attack by killer-bees, flash flooding, raging bulls in musk, cow poop, potential dehydration, starvation, lack of cellphone signal, no internet browsing capabilities… in general: N.A.T.U.R.E.

So come Friday, I shall arise at crack of dawn, tear myself out of my warm and cosy bed and pop down to the office before 6am! Epically unimpressed. And now I have to scrounge round my cupboard to find the shunned clothing shelf where I keep all my “nature clothes”. I feel violated just having to touch them let alone put the blasted things on… My over-sized steel-toed lesbian hiking boots will be dusted off. My heinously unshapely jean-panta will be pulled-on. My old and un-flattering T-shirt in a colour that is in fact a sin to wear let alone make into a piece of apparel shall be donned! And finally. The sacrilege to end all fashion faux-pas shall be undertaken... I will abandon any use of my hair straightener and place a CAP on my head. Yes, a CAP! I’m crying inside a little lot right now…

Does anyone know where to buy bullet proof vests that come in Prada? Anyone… please….??

On the party front: let’s just say I live a very VERY very wild lifestyle! Done some epic extravaganzas and pillaged some public holidays! In fact, I managed to score two new shake-n-bakes in one night! Slore-galore! BAM! I didn’t even know my own name let alone where in the name of all things Stroh Rum & Tequila I was at any one time that night! Lucky for me, I had my housemate keeping an eye on me so she could laugh and point at me the next day! We shall refrain from divulging her newly acquired case of gingervitis with her gingah-ninjah shake-n-bake…

There is now a new Spamoni for me at the moment. And yes, he is the only one. He is opposite to my normal type of spamoni. We shall see where this goes. Had lots more dates with him and am rather smitten (yes, I said it!). Also stayed over at his house for some cheeky McLovin recently!

BAM!

PS: This weekend promises to yield some exciting and unusual stories! Keep your eyes posted for an update!