Just when you thought it couldn't get MORE out of hand!

So, I thought it appropriate time to update u on my past wild and willy happenings over the past few weeks.

It all started the weekend before xmas. The office closed down… finally I escaped the khaki brigade to mince about in my designer apparel! The mother-dearest decided to bring Daddy’s credit card on a burn that plastic shopping spree! KA-effing-CHING-A-LING baby! Boo-ya!

(OH, and I WON R15 000 off J&B and 5fm in the 5 seconds to pAArty competition!!! BAM! I’m ALWAYS just 5 seconds away from a pAArty!) WOOP WOOP!

So the weekend pulls up in all it’s Friday glory, and I trundle round some shops with the mother giving her fashion advice and picking outfits, tops, jean-panta and shoes for her. Further encouraging her to purchase numerous handbags because a woman can never have too many oversized handbags! (and yet we still ignore my gayness…)

That night I descend into drunken debauchery that ends up with me at 5am at Risqy, asleep on the sofa outside and making out with an uber hott Afrikaans man so that I could go back to sleep while my fellow team spumoni member ran wild with other goldfish until she was ready to deliver me to home. Haha. 2 hours post delivery, I was awake and trailing my drunk-ass around Sandton with mummy-darling. Xmas shopping at the last minute, more clothes for money, weaseling some jeans outta daddy’s credit card too… hehe. Love u mum! Sat I could not bring myself to go out, but Sunday (after more – yes, MORE – shopping) I went to meet this new goldfish at his apartment. And trust me, with that much $$$$$$, I can learn to speak Afrikaans! KA-CHING! He has a projector as his TV, and a GHD, and an iphone… enough said. Some things money can buy, and I am one of them! SOLD to the richest husbank. Well, anyways, I ended up having cheeky naps at his house and arriving home on no sleep to throw clothes in a bag to fly home to Zim. Mother believed that I had slept on my “friend’s” sofa because I was too tired to drive home… By the way, customs + VAT and OR Tambo international on NO SLEEP is a serious rash! Fail.

Once home, I slept for 18 hours solid. Haha. Guess I needed it. But after that, did I ever slore some debauchery across Zimbabwe. After many a drink at the one and only pub in the country, Wednesday popped along. It is apparently all the rage to go clubbing at a lodge complete with thatched roof above the smoking dancefloor, fully-functional elephant-proof electric fence around said venue and wild animals to boot! I met up with fellow rhodents and we arrived to put a dent into our car bar. Eventually running out of mix, we were consuming the Spiced Gold, Admirals Rum and Malibu straight out of the bottle. The Loose Goose (as I like to call this place) had never seen such debauchery. Our car bar ended up with one battery, multiple lunging – girls on girls, girls on boys, girls on gays (yup, I was kissing women … again. I’m like the WORST gay EVER!), gays on straight boys (I may have paid him money for a schnog - ooopsies)… like an orgy circle, but in a car. I further managed to steal numerous shot glasses and tot measurers as my inner klepto raged.

Upon return to the city of gold, it got even more out of hand. For 6 days, including new year, I pAArtied solidly. I ate 4 small salads in 6 days and drunk myself into slore state every single night. I scored 1 boy and got naked with him in 5 minutes in his friends bedroom, scored one lesbian, scored 3 girls, motorboated some boobs, and to top it off - scored one tranny! Fail. I have had a strict no tranny policy. He was hott and dressed in male form at least! BAM! There was very little nothing I didn’t do this NYE… it was so rockstar it was pAArtying on a whole new level. I was only ever at home after 5am and then we continued drinking and having house parties. Met lots of cool Spamoni. Got a hott new spumoni that I’m after, but he is super tragic about his ex goldfish. Next. But we’ll see. I have decided to stop being such a maneater… NOT!!! Haha!

Sorry this is a short summary guys, but I am getting dirrty looks (and not the nice kind) from members of the khaki brigade as I am clearly NOT working… haha. It’s the first week back. Whatever … LAME!

BAM!