A fishy view on nature

Figure 1: How everyone's favourite little goldfish feels about nature

Khaki-ville and veltskoener wif a belt.

Right. Where do I start with the Khaki Retards? I have no clue. Let’s just say – GOSH! – could any ppl be more incompetent in their lives. NO. no-one could. Not even a prawn. And my project manager thinks he’s Miranda Priestly (although she wouldn’t be caught cremated in anything khaki…) Constantly he says stuff like: “Where’s that fax?” (yes, that fax, of course I know which one to which thou doest refer!)

So, this place I work – brown. Khaki. Olive green. – those are the colours that spring to mind. Vivid huh?! Someone gouge my eyes out wif (yes – I just said wif) a teaspoon for the love of all things fashionable! Speaking of which – fashion sense to these lads appears to go something like this:

Boet 1: fuck boet, cape union mart is having a sale on two-tone khaki and lesbian hiking boots.

Boet 2: no fucking way!

Boet 1: way bru!

Boet 2: fucking A bru!

Boet 1: look what I got *proudly flashes short-sleeved two tone khaki with sky blue pockets and sleeves*

Boet 2: Kiff!

Boet 3: Kiff! And check this rock I found on site. It has FOSSILS in it!!

All: *GASP* and gather round desk in hushed excitement (some probably jizzed in their pants they got so excited)

Me: *silently with my Britney playing on my ipod* oh for the love of god kill me now!

Besides this Khaki and beige attire. The whole and I mean entire office is some sort of 90s brown colour. Yes, there are splashes of green – but that doesn’t make it ok. Or any more bearable in fact! PS: Beige and Khaki are NOT valid colours. Full stop. Period. Next!

Let’s now discuss organization. Pffft. What’s that?? This place looks like someone threw a bunch of un-stapled reports over every surface imaginable and BAM them dudes were like “yay, we have done filing!”. Also, the server – shambles. Complete and utter chaos. There are at minimum 3 different places that a certain document could be located at any one time and no-one is quite sure where the most recent version was stashed. And deadlines… don’t get me started. These are apparently mild guidelines on when someone else feels you could maybe perhaps possibly attempt to complete a project and are really more there to look pretty on your spreadsheet than actually form a functioning purpose.

Apart from all that, I mean they’re not that bad…. I’ve had cacti with better social skills and communicated more with a rock than with these ppl. Silence. That’s all they do. Sit in silence and do “stuff” – I say stuff because they are always doing “stuff” but nothing appears to get done…. They also are wildly oblivious to my fabulosity despite my rad hairstyle, big sun-glasses, low fat EVERYTHING, ziplocked food stuffs, bright and stripey shirts, sticky notes all over my computer saying BAM – Muffins make u fat – water is fat free – I’m a penguin - …the list goes on… and every colour highlighter and pen imaginable. And now I must go away for ALL of Sunday and ALL of Monday with them to the bush. God I hate nature. Just drink. That’s my plan. Numb the pain. Hold my tongue and do not offend anyone. Try not to behave to bedazzled-like and especially NO MINCING! Oh, and did I mention – get inebriated 24/7. There is white water rafting and 4-wheeler trails to look forward to.

Again, why does my work involve nature. Epic fail. I hate site visits and nature. Ooooo, but today I spent all morning spamming marketing companies with my CV and my academic transcript. I figure if you don’t ask, you don’t get. Who cares if my CV states an honours in BSc in Environmental Science. Doesn’t mean I can’t organize a piss-up and get ppl to like me…. Fingers crossed. There are hints that I might be offered full-time employment here in Khaki central in January. Do I take it? Don’t I? But I wanna go overseas – to London town – late next year. Will I survive without being wildly happy? Hmmm… dilemmas. At least it’s easier to decide: pants or no pants? I always choose pants! Unlike some of my friends…. ;)

News on the Goldfish front: Heard from Sunday-night-goldfish last night. YAY! Can he see me on sat. NO = L he’s busy. Oh well. Maybe the next week… No response from blind-date-goldfish guy who I sent a FB msg too last night. Let’s wait and see if he wants to meet up.

BAM!!!

*****BREAKING NEWS FLASH*****

Just found out that they mostly appear to be religious. It just gets better and better! Now I have to sneakily weasel confirmation of such beliefs out of them… I’ll just mince in where angels fear to tread. I guess that means naked fire dances and tarot cards are not an option at the office. Damn. One does get so excited to chant round a fire in a loin cloth and worship trees….

Definitions of goldfish speak

Goldfish speak is somewhat similar to W-H-A-L-E; just a lot faster and with more glitter!!

Some of the basic terminology that is used to spice up conversations and generally confuse pepoles with which i communicate are:

• A Goldfish: (probably the single most important definition of this here blog) refers to a gay man. This is derived from my popping out of the closet and deciding that we needed code words to talk about gay men so as not to alert the authorities/parental parties to my sudden and somewhat un-surprising change in preferences. I was still surprised though. This code word was chosen as appropriate because gay men have the attention span of ... ooooo, look! shiny-shiny! ahhh! .... catch my drift! (also referred to as douchebags, idiots, losers, hotties, boyfriends etc, etc)
• Spamoni: the safe word. Used when someone is so-hott-rite-now that one must indulge in the use of a safe word to warn all other goldfish and the many women accompanying said goldfish of the impending pinging ovaries that they will receive upon viewing this fine specimen of man-candy.
• Khaki Retards (Pty) Ltd: the specimens - of which none are spamoni - in which I currently must undertake a 9-5 job with.
• Colossal: a word of epic proportions describing something so epic it is colossal and amazing and rays of the light of heaven shine down upon whatever this word refers while a chorus of angels chants awe-inspiring melodies in the background.
• BAM!: also seen as bam; but this format is rare. Another word so colossal it is just BAM! That's it. BAM! Used as, including but not limited to: a point of exclamation, hottness, out-of-proportion-ness, debauchery, directness
• Skippy: a TV kangaroo from the dreaded 90s era that saves everyone and offers invaluable advice that sounds somewhat like "Tsch Tsch Tsch" and can be loosely interpreted as "Back that thing up". Widely applicable to almost any situation one stumbles across. Terribly useful when one has no clue what to do but then says: "what would Skippy say?" - the answer: "Back that thing up!". Invaluable I tell you. Invaluable.

So now the terminology has been laid out and the fun can begin. I advise you to sit back. Buckle up. Take out the popcorn. Open the alcohol. And enjoy the ride!!!! Because damn, it's one hell of a ride! BAM!

:)