Popo shut us down!

Figure 1. We're in a Hummer Bitch!

I returned to the homeland to heal my soul. I dunno how much of my soul healed with such hedonistic behaviour... But one thing is for sure – I killed off my liver and my name in Harare. Not that it bothers me really. Liver’s are replaceable and Harare ain’t got nothing on Joburg!

I arrived bright as a button on Friday morning and after a wonderful afternoon at home, got my ga(y)me face on for some pAArty-karAAte! The new club has opened. And it is rather fab if I do say so my joburg snobby self! Haha. Strict age control and dress code so I don’t have to party my Pradas with some flip-flop wearing, board-shorts sporting 12 year old. In fact, the dress code even made some of those Zim men look pretty… (either that or the bottle of vodka, shooters, tequila, jager and red bull had an effect on my eye sight!). So as you can note, the night got well out of hand! I had my favourite Zim and a few London partners in crime with me. We savaged the man-stocks in that small pond. Took no prisoners. Whored like a slore from Hilbrow baby! In fact, I got so dronkels that at one stage, as I was meeting people and they awere asking how I was doing, I was saying: “Heehee, I’m so gay!” Instead of: “Heehee, I’m so drunk!”. Well, thankfully the most reaction I got was a look of speechlessness followed by a laugh and then some tequila and a brief chat about how they always knew… duh bitches! I’m Queen of this village! It is now concluded that not one single person is unaware of my gayness and my parents are gonna have to deal with it as it crops up in conversation round the gossipy little dinner tables of Harare. I further concluded that no amount of damage control can save me now… I’ve said goodbye to Narnia good-and-proper in Zim now!

In amongst it all, I met a new goldfish. And a cute one at that! Now, to start with, he ignored me. (How very dare he!) Fail. Then, he proceeded to behave like he owned H-town. I’m sorry biatch, but this is MY queendom. I am the only ruler of this village. You merely inhabit it as a squishy little toy for me to play with when I return to the colony! After much flirting and many more tequilas, I was brave and loose enough to have fully grappled his attention and even pecked him on the lips on the dancefloor. Much to his dismay as he only has a few toes out of Narnia (and the fact that it is both illegal and frowned upon in that hovel of a country!)…

After a bit of cheeky snogging in a dark alley in the shopping centre, we went back for more shooters. The result being that myself and my 2 hott zim ladies stumbled into the car park and found a random gangstah in a hummer pumping the tune I’m in Miami Bitch. Looking at said Hummer, I said how I’d never been in a one and moments later was yanked onto the back seat by my ladies as we all sat down and instructed the gangstah (without asking permission) to drive up and down the car park while we leaned out the window drunkenly slearring (slurring + screaming) “We’re in a Hummer Bitch!” to everyone we drove past!

Following this, my new goldfish and I retreated to a darkened road and… well…

Saturday and Sunday I spent with goldfish. He is too cuteness. 20 (and three-quarters)! And he gives as much shit back as I hand out to him. Bless. I’m actually quite smitten! Anyways, Saturday was spent at some super dodge club with a thatched roof and a copious supply of lesbians and drug dealers. In fact, at one point, the drug dealer was having a delightful chat with us… I was speechless. I didn’t even pee I was too afraid to be alone! On Sunday I saw my goldfish for sundowners at the water towers. Unfortunately, as with everything in my life, it was drama-full! We ended up being almost-arrested for *gasp* homosexuality! The horror! Some undercover policeman caught us kissing as we leaned against the car. Very tame compared to the previous nights’ antics I must say! It was rather frightening as homosexuality is illegal – in the constitution – and requires immediate arrest and presentation before a magistrate. The police officer further informed us that we would be “re-educated” at the police station. Uh. Not cool Mister Popo!!!!! Thankfully, we managed to solve the problem in the Zimbabwean way… and I’ll never be caught again for sure!!!!! I mean how backward can a country still be?! Bring on the first world baby!

I’m off to the mountains again this week. Fail. But the Khaki brigade bought a shiny new 4x4 for me to use! Excitement! I’ll drive it uber carefully though.

PS: My goldfish KILF and I are an unofficially-officially an item and I can’t wait to see him when I get back to Zim! Whipped. I think so. He is too though…